OK, real quick so you have some context for some jokes:
Cash, Hope, Jobs Meme - started off as a terrible joke my dad would tell me, "10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope."
Then it evolved into the meme: "10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!"
If you calmly explain that you meant "cunt" in the British sense, everyone nods sagely and immediately backs off
— Maria Schneider (@writtennoise) July 31, 2013
I'll rephrase the question, your honor. Sir, under whose custody did the dogs escape from?? And let me remind you that you're under oath
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 30, 2013
if you like eating cicadas / and drinking from the storm drain / if you sleep on the sofa / and get high on butane
— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) July 30, 2013
Its cool to talk about what other people are talking about but in a way that makes you "above" them. Personally I like to use irony for this
— ''Steve'' (@extranapkins) July 27, 2013
Honestly, I bet you losers don't even have the wherewithal to plot my Assassination, much less carry it out and leave my Empire in shambles
— Pedro Salinas (@salinas_pedro) July 24, 2013
I like it when you call me Big Poppa. I don't like it as much when you call me Large Dad.
— Matt (@Cheesegod69) July 24, 2013
what happens after kidz bop 68? are they gonna skip a number or just go for it or what
— can you not (@sassytbh) July 22, 2013
when the funnel cloud hit the adult bookstore, every reporter wanted to use "Pornado" as a headline, but i sold them on "Titty Twister"
— woodmuffin (@woodmuffin) July 22, 2013
you should check out this kids show. it actually has some references for adults. because it wasn't written by kids, as i initially thought
— NEON WARIO (@neonwario) July 18, 2013
"I'm Detective Marvin Pubes. This is Sergeant Brenda Pubes. No relation."
— Jeb Lund (@Mobute) July 4, 2013
they say "dont bring a knife to a gun fight" but u also shouldnt bring a knife to a pillow fight. sorry for ruining the slumber party jenny
— TORMNIABLY PIACKEELS (@Tormny_Pickeals) June 30, 2013
so you teens like "selfies" huh? well if you picked up a bible now and then you would know god did selfies when he created us in his image
— k8ie masterbatie (@KatharosCum) June 22, 2013
Cannibalism! It's as easy as making candy from a baby.
— Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) June 17, 2013
Time sure flies, right? It's seems like just yesterday my dad was luring me into his van, now I'm thinking about luring kids of my own!
— Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) June 16, 2013
Sure, the T-Rex ate a lawyer - ha ha! - but let's not forget it also tried to eat children. White children.
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) May 26, 2013
All I am saying is that if we privatize the experience of feeling pain, then more Americans will have easier access to cheap, plentiful pain
— laszlo panaflex (@thrill_pool) June 15, 2013
hey girl, did it hurt… when u fell from my bunk bed? anyways it woke up my mom and u gotta leave
— lawblob (@lawblob) May 8, 2013
I just caught the ball - am I going to dribble it? Pass it? Shoot it? Exactly. I'm in the triple threat position. Good luck.
— Dustin Hoffman Not (@BballHoffman) May 28, 2013
Steph Curry is playing like one of his teammates has a broken leg with the bone sticking out
— Tommy Johnagin (@tommyjohnagin) April 29, 2013
wow it has been 10 years since the day marty traveled to in back to the future pic.twitter.com/xBVUeWRDqY
— rob (@robwhisman) April 22, 2013
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. 2. princes kneel before you Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
— Ace... Ace? (@AceMakesWords) April 12, 2013
A videogame where everyone is just trying to help you get your life together and you fight them off with a series of dope combo moves
— Fartpowder (@fartpowder) April 11, 2013
(jobs) somethings gotta give (hope) somethings gotta give (cash) somethings gotta give LET THE BACON HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BACON HIT THE FLO
— Katt WilliamsFerrell (@KattWillFerrell) April 10, 2013
If gay marriage had been legal in 2005, I wouldn’t have had to marry a woman :(
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 27, 2013
Joseph, it's your cousin Marvin, MARVIN Kony! You know know how ten years ago, we had Cash, Hope, and Jobs? Well, teens wearing jorts!
— GOP Front-Runner (@doctorveritas) March 24, 2013
Paused between sets at the gym, I understand: the drummer is the horse, the band its rider. I explode into my next set. #meat
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 8, 2013
i want to live in a world with a deeper, subtler standard of beauty. i want to hear raps about how high a shorty's seizure threshold is
— zachary (@ingmarbirdman) November 30, 2012
Mom? Dad? I have a confession to make: I'm gay, in the pejorative sense
— woodmuffin (@woodmuffin) November 29, 2012
@mattwithanh I love my husband!
— Cristina Helbling (@cjhelbling) October 20, 2012
always the bridesmaid, never the cool ass werewolf
— kimmy (@aRealLiveGhost) October 18, 2012
"how do u feel after hittin that game-winnin home-run?" IT'S A WELCOME DISTRACTION FROM THE CONTINUAL TERROR OF KNOWING DEATH IS INEVITABLE
— TORMNIABLY PIACKEELS (@Tormny_Pickeals) October 18, 2012
[playing Guess Who] "Does your guy look like a fucking HIPSTER??" "Uh, no." *flips down every remaining character on the board*
— sreegs (@ahuj9) October 17, 2012
The Big Bang Theory and Newt Gingrich have the same broad appeal: they're what dumb humorless people think smart witty people sound like.
— Jeb Lund (@Mobute) October 8, 2012
been throwing up gang signs all morning do you think i could be pregnant
— Little irl Alien (@ErroneousJuan) October 5, 2012
In the 80s we had Roy Orbison, Morris Day & the Time, & River Phoenix. Now we have no Orbs, no time & no rivers. RT if terror is inescapable
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) October 3, 2012
every time u meet a cat check out its paws then smirk at whoever's around u and say, No ring ;)
— zachary (@ingmarbirdman) September 23, 2012
every time u meet a cat check out its paws then smirk at whoever's around u and say, No ring ;)
— zachary (@ingmarbirdman) September 23, 2012
If Terence Trent D'Arby comes on at the club, somebody's getting fingered. Even if it has to be me.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 26, 2012
BUT HERE'S AN AUSPICIOUS OMEN 'BOUT YOUR MOMMA THAT U MIGHT NOT LIKE *SNOOP MOTIONS TOWARD VULTURE ENTRAILS*
— Gregory Cat-Holder (@cat_beltane) August 15, 2012
Being an ironic peace of shit. Now thats paper. Getting faved by a Net Girl *in slowed down voice* Now thats paper
— lehan (@leh0n) August 10, 2012
“How’d you like to back your fuck truck up to my cock dock?” is a SHOCKINGLY effective pickup line
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 8, 2012
before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule
— nice_mustard® (@nice_mustard) July 18, 2012
*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
— zachary (@ingmarbirdman) June 26, 2012
I really do appreciate those of you who have helped me inform the world of the powerful difference between the letter G and the letter J.
— Gerry Sandusky (@GerrySandusky) June 23, 2012
look jared i know we are playing erotic adventurers but if you call your belly button your 'boypussy' one more time im gonna fucken throw up
— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) May 15, 2012
Cops are legally required to tell you what their favourite movie is, otherwise it's Entrapment (1999)
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) May 1, 2012
if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door
— zachary (@ingmarbirdman) April 1, 2012
space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time
— zachary (@ingmarbirdman) March 14, 2012
sext: you're a sports journalist. you lie on your death bed. your whole life has been spent writing words about the dumbest shit. nice one.
— kiss wizard (@piss_wizard) March 8, 2012
Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof
— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) February 26, 2012
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
— wint (@dril) February 20, 2012
are you more existential than a fifth grader? lets go to the fifth grader "I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I" oh snap
— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) February 4, 2012
Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*
— brendle what (@brendlewhat) February 4, 2012
Sext: Inside the Dream House, Barbie is banged by a Transformer. He transform into a truck while he still inside her, the dream of every man
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 25, 2012
son when i was your age we only had two pokemon. dog and cat. but we made do
— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) November 27, 2011
Special Buy Nothing Day Sale!! Great Deals On: [ HOLES | VOIDS | SILENCE | NUMBNESS ] whisper coupon code "hello?" into a disconnected phone
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) November 25, 2011
"What if Spider-man was gay, and your son, but not really Spider-man, but still really gay?" -How I came out to my parents
— Gregory the Grape (@leducviolet) August 15, 2011
So the cumulative resonance of ALL the slam dunks EVER slammed down has NO effect on the magnetic field WHATSOEVER? Uh huh. Okay.
— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) January 8, 2011
Paused between sets at the gym, I understand: the drummer is the horse, the band its rider. I explode into my next set. #meat
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 8, 2013
